Well, that went south rather quickly

Thank fuck that’s over. Final day at work today and the stand-out moment was having a ridiculous man-child tell me in front of an audience that he couldn’t wait for me to go, while very obviously holding himself back from causing me physical harm. I mean, I get it: how dare I articulate the expectation that he actually do his job? Silly me. On the upside, I did get to let him know that I couldn’t wait to see the back of him too. If he was upset before that moment, he was positively seething when I turned and walked off on his next attempt to justify the title I gave him at the start of this paragraph.

*Huge sigh of relief* Again: thank fuck.

I took myself out to dinner tonight – a restaurant I’ve been wanting to check out for a while, a celebration for putting some spectacularly bad work experiences behind me. I’m on my third beer now. It’s been a fairly sub-par day, and I’m doing okay.

And being okay? That’s a reminder. I do pretty well on my own.

Which brings me to The Relationship. My lover said something recently about his work, and about how if he leaves there now he feels like it will be his choice (rather than something that is imposed on him by external circumstances). And I’m giving today kudos for reminding me that being in a relationship with my lover is my choice.

I’ve had a couple of things that, in my head, have been waiting on him. Pregnancy is one. The reality is that if it’s not the right time to have conversations about it or make plans about it for him then I am responsible for making choices about whether or not that fits in with what I want for myself. I’m tired of waiting for him to start a conversation. Quite frankly, I am not okay with feeling that I am pushing this decision on someone else. I want my partner to be as excited about the prospect of getting pregnant as I am. I want them to lead discussions and not just join in with them.

That’s not an easy place to be in right now. But that is the reality.

And, no matter what happens, I am going to be okay.

Day one

My lover is on his way overseas. These trips happen two or three times a year and, even though I usually get a heap of time to prepare for them, I still tend to get a bit sad when he’s gone. Not for the whole time he’s away, usually just before he comes back and it has started feeling like his time away has been dragging on for a bit too long. Today though? Sad. It’s day one. I’m going to try to stop being ridiculous now.

Tick, tick, tick

The countdown is on – which is a weird thing to say considering that I’m not sure how long the countdown will be. But, yes, the countdown is on.

My lover and I are likely moving overseas. We’re starting to make decisions with that in mind, aiming to be living in a different country by 2019. I’m excited, in spite of years of resisting the idea of living anywhere other than where I am now. This decision has the potential to add to my life.

There are a few other things happening at the moment, too. I quit my job this week. It was equal parts upsetting and a huge relief to hand in my resignation. I’ve only been working at this place for three months, but it very clearly isn’t going to provide me with positive opportunities for professional growth.

After a little more than a year of experimenting with an insulin pump, I made the decision to revert to multiple daily injections. The hope is that this will enable me greater and more effective control over my blood sugar levels, potentially allowing for pregnancy to become an option…

Which is the thing that’s most on my mind at the moment. There are a few barriers to pregnancy at the moment – there’s the diabetes, for sure, but that’s not the only thing. My lover is separated but not yet divorced, which isn’t a barrier for me but isn’t so ideal for him. I’m in my upper-mid 30’s now, so my age is a barrier too. And then there’s that whole moving countries thing, too. It all factors in.

This is the first time in a long time that I have needed to really invite someone else’s input into a decision that I am wanting to make. Actually, it might be the first time ever. I have a history of making snap decisions (see, well, pretty much all of this post) that somehow work out for me. It is not so easy to involve someone else in the decision-making process.

To my frustration, the world doesn’t always move as quickly as I do.

My anxiety cure-all

It’s so easy to focus attention on the bad stuff that happens in a relationship – disagreements or concerns that you have with your partner, times that you feel misunderstood or under-appreciated by them, those kinds of things. This post is about none of that.

This post is a declaration of how loved I feel, and how much love I feel. Things have been a bit, well, average (at a stretch) for me over the last couple of months. Friday was a particularly shitty day. I was heading home to catch up on the Bachelorette, knowing my lover had a late meeting and wouldn’t be home until much later in the evening. He hadn’t known how spectacularly bad my day had been when he left the house, he just did this because he knew I’d appreciate it:

(One of my favourite snacks, left for me to discover when I got home.)

We spent yesterday getting drunk and talking about moving to a different country together.

We explored a house of mirrors together this afternoon when he was done with his work.

And I spent almost no time this weekend stressing about my return to work tomorrow. There was too much laughing, chatting, and appreciating his company to get stuck in an anxiety loop.

My life is infinitely better just for having him in it. The stress and the frustration of my worklife is still there, but it is dulled out by being to have sock fights for no reason whatsoever, and by being able to joke about which stranger we’d most like to push into the river, and by knowing that it doesn’t matter what else happens in my life, I have access to the biggest, warmest, most comforting hugs in the world.

Fuck, I love this man.

The problem with the princess bloggers of today

In relation to sharing experiences with friends (or blog-readers), when does an issue stop being a complaint and start becoming a ploy for victim status? Genuine question.

I’m tired of hearing variations of “I do what I have always done and they do what they have always done, in spite of the fact that I’m a good person and deserve better than what I’m getting!” Like, harden up and take ownership for the drama you create in your own life*.

I’m guessing venting about something one or two times is not the same thing as trying to position yourself as a victim / avoiding taking ownership for your own part in your life’s dramas. But three times? Four? With references to and additions to the original vent?

Here’s me, waving my arms from up on my soapbox, imploring you to either do something about what’s bothering you or shut the hell up about it. At some point, it becomes clear that you’re not looking to change what’s happening and instead you’re either seeking or expressing sympathy for the shit you feel has been unfairly heaped on you. Boring.

I was going to say there’s nothing worse, but playing the victim when people call you out on setting yourself up as a victim (cue the “People keep assuming / making judgements about me / making judgements about a situation they obviously don’t understand” lines) is pretty bullshit too.

This is a complaint. And possibly a call to action. I need to find some less “Woe is me” lady bloggers to appreciate. Recommendations always welcome.

*Post written in the midst of an ongoing bout of insomnia. Excuse the lack of concern for other people’s pouty expressions or assorted other takes on tantrumming. Plus, some people should get a lot less coddling. Just sayin’.