After writing last week’s post, I initiated a conversation. Basically, let’s talk about the children thing. If you don’t want children (soon), be honest. His response? I’m scared.
We spoke. There’s no way either one of our perspectives was able to be changed (“I want children” – me / “I’m scared I’ll suck as a parent” – him) so the conversation was about sharing our own perspectives, listening to each other, and making sense of what the other person was saying.
A week goes by. The conversation had been a decent one but something was still amiss.
He took yesterday morning off going to the gym and called in sick to a work event. We’re in bed, cuddling, and honestly I’m getting annoyed. Cuddles? Please. I want action! I miss action! Cuddles used to lead to fucking and now, well, they’re just cuddles. Like, get off me dude and leave me to masturbate.
…which is kind of where the problem became recognisable. All talk and no action is not a solution. We’re both saying we want action, it’s just not happening.
Another conversation. This time, potentially a solution.
A few months ago I had all long-term contraceptives removed. At around the same time, he was hit with a bout of depression and said he didn’t think it was the right time to try to get pregnant.
Fast forward a few months and the depression is being better managed. He says that he thinks the lack of action is directly related to his depression (diminished libido is a symptom of the illness) but that doesn’t make sense to me. If the depression is managed, why the continued hold on action? Our current once-a-month routine does not reflect our shared understanding of the importance of sex for each of us in a relationship. This does not indicate that the cause of our sex reduction is the (now better-managed) depression.
So what then? Sex became an issue at around the same time as the depression became an issue. They’ve got to be linked. At least, that’s the logical conclusion to come to.
That doesn’t mean it’s right.
I stopped initiating sex because I didn’t want to push him into anything he didn’t want. Part of that was depression related, but part of it was pregnancy related.
He moved from being onboard with the idea of getting pregnant to being against it. It was a timing thing, I get it – it doesn’t make sense to put something else on top of everything we were already managing (namely: depression).
Sex pretty much stopped. Well, you know, that whole once-a-month-and-only-when-it-wasn’t-going-to-end-in-pregnancy thing kind of came up. My attraction to him started waning. Sex was integral to our relationship and it was becoming less likely. I became very aware of the time restrictions I was facing in relation to pregnancy and I started to doubt that he was going to be ready for that when I needed him to be.
I needed him to be enthusiastic about getting pregnant, not just accepting that I wanted it and going along with it. Last week’s conversation felt like it ended like that.
That’s the realisation I needed.
He reiterated that he is scared. I pointed out that scared and enthusiastic are not mutually exclusive.
I’ve been withdrawing sexually (and also emotionally) due to not wanting to pressure him in any way. Going along with things is absolutely not what I need from him. I’m in a relationship – I need equal partnership. If pregnancy is going to happen, I need him to be excited about it.
The conversation was a big one. It wasn’t easy. It was necessary to be incredibly honest. And –
Sexual block resolved!
Well, okay, it’s only been one day since we talked but… it’s been a good day. 😉